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Alive!



As my birthday approaches, I find myself feeling different about the whole “BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION THING.” It feels different, not bad or not good. It is hard to describe a feeling that I have possibly never felt before. It feels like home! I feel at peace, I feel gratitude, I feel present.

No longer do I desire the extravagant celebrations I was accustom to nor the lavish gifts that my ex-husband showered me with, nor traveling the world. All these THINGS and experiences that where more for others than for me no longer feel right. They don’t even cross my mind as I asked myself what do I want to do for my birthday?

For the first time in a long time, I sit here contemplating how much my life has changed. And for the first time in my life, it feels like ME, the real me deciding what it is that I want.

When I was a child those plans where made by my parents, then as a young adult (before I got married) it was about hanging out with my friends and what they wanted to do, as a wife and young mother it was what my schedule and babies would allow for and towards the last years of my marriage it was about overcompensating for the time he was not at home. Not saying that the effort was not appreciated, but it was not ME. The luxury bags, trips and fancy dinners where not me. Yes, I enjoyed it and felt blessed to have experience that life style but at the end of the day all of those things did not bring me happiness.

The last three birthdays were chaotic and full of emotions, as I healed from the divorce, I was cruising by. So as I sunk into the quietness of my home tonight and asked myself what I want to do for my birthday this year ? Awareness blossomed, and I notice an overwhelming feeling of peace so foreign and yet so new. As if I am experiencing life without filters for the first time. It is just ME. I never felt this way before. It is overwhelming to describe as I am emotional just writing about this. It is like being in prison being kept away from myself for so many years and all of a sudden experiencing sweet freedom. I was numb.

Today we had our Thanksgiving celebration at work, and we were asked to say a few words for what were Thankful for. I was the first one to go and was caught off guard I said: " At this point in my life EVERYTHING!" Everything because I have never in my life experience the freedom of just being me. I didn’t know what life was like without filters or roles to play. I JUST AM

I find myself being grateful and savoring life to the fullest without even trying because when you have been dead and numb with pain for such a long time just experiencing life from your source everything feels vibrant.

So to answer the question what do I want to do for my birthday only two things came up. I want to DANCE and spend time with my close friends and love ones in a small and intimate setting. No gifts, just connecting with those who I love.

Oh, how life has changed but would not have it any other way.

Much Love,

The Mommy Goddess

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