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The Power of Powerlessness

As I sit here I am listing to Rising Strong by Brene Brown and things may just be making sense. She wrote about the different kinds of grief and she mentions that their is one that takes over your life and your mind. This hit a spot. It resonated with me. Yesterday's Agape speaker Ester Nichols hit a another point. Addiction. Addiction not as drugs ect. She talked about the addiction that we have to a mind set. Addiction to not feeling our source. To living from a space of smallness. How our ego is soooo strong and it keeps us feeling like shit because we are scared of letting go because letting go WILL be painful but that in itself is the key to our source. She also made a point that hit yet another spot. The definition of powerlessness. How amazingly powerful it could be to let God take it from here and stop your mind chatter. Stop trying to FIX it. I haven't made much progress in 2 years by me "trying to fix it" It's interesting how I have been feeling exactly like this. Like I can't do it anymore. My mind is going crazy. All kinds of thoughts. I know their is a better way of living. I don't want to feel like shit anymore. I know intellectually that I just have to let go of all the grief and pain and be grateful for all the wonderful things life has blessed me with. On the outside people probably see wow she is finally on her way to moving forward. Yes I am. Every day the grief and pain get easier. But on the inside I feel like I am tugging. On one end the person I know I am meant to be and on the other side the person that believes that I am broken and does not know how to repair myself. It's an all consuming painful feeling that can't be defined it's just feels likes I am about to explode. Ah ha… Just got it. It's not my physical body that's in pain it's my Soul. You feel like you want to run away. You feel hopeless and desperate. Yes that's how I feel sometimes. This feeling has me praying and asking for guidance. Then again their are glimpses of my radiant light. This feels like home this feels freeing this feels like I could touch and love everyone around me. This is the place I want to live in. Connected thru love. These insights have been no coincidences. I haven't been to Agape in a long time and of course I believe that I was suppose to hear this that this was part of my prayer being answered. The end message that was a huge help was that I am in recovery of my Soul. That my Soul is desperately screaming for me to come back home. That I have been away from my Soul for along time and the only way back if to STOP trying to fix it with my human brain and give it to GOD. That in my powerlessness my recovery lies. Thank you!

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