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Light and Dark

Feeling extremely reflective…. I am not going to lie but in the last few weeks I been thru what I like to call Growing Pains. “Light and Dark”. It is like a pendulum that swings back and forth sometimes we have our Dark days and sometimes we have our Light days where we are in the beautiful radiant Light. As the transition of my separations and divorce has happened in the last 3 years (could you believe that it's already been 3 years!) In the beging of the transition I spent 90% of my life in the Dark unconsciously in pain and in a state of survival and the other 10% in the Light which was brought by my boys and believe it or not my work. During this time their was not awareness it was just please help me get thru this and mostly fighting it and trying to change it . I say all this because this time my “Growing Pain” was different. I went thru it, I felt it 100% (this sucks by the way) but as I surrendered and allow myself to just feel and fortunately talk thru my every emotions with some very close friends I slowly got what I needed. The lesson and the message that I needed to get from this experience was being send to me in many forms. It was a build of many many things. It started with realizing that sometimes it is ok to love from afar but that in loving sometimes you have to do what is right for you. Whether I created a story in my head or not I just knew that at this time the best solution was distance. As much as I believe that the BIG “D” has come to my life for my personal growth and all that good stuff of never to abandon myself again and to love myself like I have the capacity to love another human being. I also know this is about forgiveness, grace and not taking it personal ( at the ego level). So a few weeks ago I got the official notice that I will be officially single on 12/31/2015 ( What are the odds right?). I was surprised with my reaction I was very calm no emotion what so ever (The Light). This news actually came the week before I celebrated my birthday. It was interesting to observe myself. One foot wanted to flashback and feel and go in the “oh my gosh this is really done” cry me a river mode (The Dark) but I didn't I was actually chose ( key word) the path of "it's time to be me". It's time to be grateful for the so many love ones that I have and the blessings of the connections I made because of this circumstance ( The Light). So I celebrated. A few days passed and out of nowhere this anger and rage surface. It was bad it manifested in pain in my jaw and back. I held on to it for about 2 weeks (The Dark). Thru out the weeks I had glimpse of the Light. You have to understand as all this is happening I am judging myself and being extremely hard on myself. This is me rolling my eyes and stomping on the floor (I actually didn't to this but that is how I felt lol) “Why can't I just get over it!!!! it's been 3 years… I know I deserve an amazing life.. I intellectually know that I am awesome one of a kind… Grrrrr he has moved on so why do I still feel this way” Yeah so fucken easy right? It's all their and it should be a no brainer right? ( The Dark). I was being hard on myself because where the pendulum is now is at 80% Light and 20% Dark. “And all I want (tantrum mode) is to be in the Light ALL the time grrr . I know I can!” (I could be very competitive). Then last week it came full circle. I took that trip to Solvang with my boys (Light). I was happy and proud of myself for many reasons. For being independent and fearless. Before this would have never happened but I did it. That same evening the dark creep in as a reminder to myself that I had to release the anger it was not a pretty night. Monday came along and I went to my therapist (yes I see a therapist lol). I was explaining to her that I feel like a fake here I am going to trips with my boys and all along I have this other feeling inside myself that takes over. She was the one to encourage me to write about this. She ask me why can't you be both? This of course got me thinking and so here I am. “Why can't you be the Light and Dark? Why do you feel like you only have to show your Light?” Then I realize this is why I created The Mommy Goddess. To share my story to share my crazy insights. Not everyone has to agree and it's not about attention. This is an honest, scary thing I am doing that bring me much healing. I never thought that I would hang all my “dirty laundry” for the world to see and possibly judge. I realize that this is an opportunity to be authentic and to stay on this path that I started in August when I launched my website. I haven't really updated ever since but it's their. The truth is that I don't know what it will become I just know that I feel the need to share my Light and my Dark in hopes to created a community of connection and authentic human beings. People think it is easier to wear the mask so that one ever sees the Dark but let me tell you once you decide to let it hang lose that is when you see who really love you. I could say as of this very moment I feel much better some peace and trying my best to not judge myself. I know that I am no enlighten master that will live in the ever eternal Light but that I will learn to balance and ACCEPT that both the Light and the Dark are part of being a human. Sigh… The Mommy Goddess

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