One of the lessons am learning now is to honor and worship who I am (unapologetically) I am aware that this is one of my CORE LESSONS for my soul. LIFE LESSON! Realizing that in many instances during my life I was given the relationships over and over again so that I could finally start the work on HONORING MYSELF. My first relationship was with my parents. Yes my parents. Thru out my life I have found myself trying to proof what kind of woman I was. The phrases that come up are “trust me” “I am good person” “please trust my judgements” “please see ME”. While I was growing up one of the life changing decisions I made because I felt that I was not understood, trusted and seen. Moving out of my dads house was the desicion that changed the course of my life.
As a teenager in high school I was not your typical teenage girl. The whole time during high school I was very aware of the dynamic of the “High School” life. I could see how important it was to fit in and be part of the crowd yet I instinctively knew that this was just a small part of my life and all I wanted is to get it done and have fun doing it. I was a self motivated A and B student. I took it upon myself to succeed. I was a closet nerd but at the same time fitting in with the popular crowd (The Potato Sack. Group of the prettiest girls in school. LOL. Still to this date I still don’t know why that name lol. We owned it though.) I kept it balance. I was an athlete, and an artist (took photography for 4 years) and with my busy schedule I eagerly started my first job in a movie theater at 16. Bought my own car and was very independent over all a good teenager. I graduated with honors and got accepted to many colleges. Financially It wasn’t going to happen so the fall after my graduation I started community college ( which I paid myself ) The decision that I made the day before my 18th birthday was a hard one. I was working and going to college and a very heated disagreement with my dad did it. I wanted to go out with my friends and have fun and he was not having it. I thought to myself “Why? Why? does he not trust me” I am super responsible and hard working why?” That feeling of not being seen for who I am. I cant describe. It is heartbreaking. So I went down the street where an aunt that had just come from Mexico was going to move out of her single because the rest of her family was going to join her and as easy as letting the building manager know I was going to take over her $400 month rent. Just like that I had my first apartment at 18. This decision changed my life. This decision then lead me on the path of having to work for my freedom. This decision lead me to to drop out of college and work 3 jobs. One those jobs being the one in which I met the father of my 3 boys. Its funny how life works right? That if I would of stayed at my dads and taken his insecurity and non trust I would probably finish college. But my freedom and not having to proof myself to him was more important. Fast forward to the last 3 years. Again the lesson shows up. That same heartbreaking feeling resurfaces again. I tried for such a long time to proof myself to the father of my boys. “ I am a good loyal woman” “ I am trusting” I will never cheat on you” . My adventurous spirit and my sense of independence was a scary thing to both my dad and the father of my boys. I am not saying that this was what completely ended the marriage because I am sure I too did my part. But just this week I had a HUGE healing that has lead me to realize that I am on a road to honoring and worshiping myself. That I don’t need everyone to “SEE ME” (my Soul). The message that I got was “ To know her is to love her”. Ahhaa! It was literal and it was deep. The literal and easy version is if he would really known me he would really love me and not have left the marriage( I do want to say that he is a great man. And I understand he is on his own path to healing we are working on having a healthy realtionship for the boys.) The deeper version is I don’t know her. I forgot who I am. This pretty much brought me into tears and realize that I am very afraid of my own power. My light. My Goddess.
It is very scary to allow myself to be the most authentic version of myself. That version of myself is a deep thinker, a naive loving person, one who beliefs everything is possible, one who see the best in people, extra sensitive, intuitive, sensual, positive, compassionate, cares too much, passionate about life. This version of myself for many years and many important men in my life was not accepted. All I had was their insecurity to go based on. I now know that this is one of my CORE LESSONS. That I MUST NOT forget who I am. That I MUST not get shaken by others fears.
I know my ego wants me to belief that. To not be big to stay small. To stay stuck in the belief that the only way to live life is with the coat or tarnish that dims our souls light. That is our fear of our own power. Little by little I am learning that I will attract loving none judgmental people that will be ok with my light with my power. I will inspire them to do the same. It will be one big group of powerful, loving, non judgmental human beings.
What I know for sure now is that this is only the beginning. I am slowly building my foundation of ME. I am looking deep and exploring all the wounds and chains of the past. I am not perfect and I am proud of myself for being raw and being brutally honest with my journey. I am also grateful for having loving support and for the world allowing me to share my most deepest thoughts. This here this very thing am doing is part of honoring who I am. I am being me I am being big I am fearless.
The Mommy Goddess