As promised here I am writing the blog I mentioned last week. Opening yet to another one of my dark phase, another growth period. Giving you access to some of my very dark thoughts and exposing some of my fears insecurities, and desires. As I write I sometimes stop and think “no, don’t go there you are exposing too much. It will make you look weak and crazy”. Then I realize this is my path. To write, to write from my heart and not be afraid to show this side of me, this side of US. These are the Moments, the ones that we don’t dare speak of. The moments that matter.
Last weeks writing
Needed a day to recalibrate. Slept all day I think it's time to get up and claim this day. A truth of being a strong and independent woman is that it does not come easy for me to ask for what I need. I don't like to show the world that I sometimes need support. On the outside, I look invincible but on the inside I scream for someone to take are of me for once, for someone to ask with sincerity how am I doing? Longing for connection. Genuine connection. Someone that I could show my fears to, someone that will hold me and tell me that everything will be ok, someone that I could completely collapse with and will not be afraid of my intense shadow. Sometimes I don’t want to be strong. Sometimes I want to be the one that is being taken care for.
“I have fallen, and I can't get up. This is the truth people. Every time I come down it is only to learn and make myself stronger. I have a lot going on and sometimes I need to pull back. Being ok with not being ok does not come easily to me. But I will make sure I don't sink too deep. As I have been there before and the sheer thought of falling into a dark phase is not an option. I come so far and learned so much to know that I have tools ( You Tube Video On Tools) and support to snap myself out of it. I know a lot of people believe in positive thinking, and that is helpful to a certain extent. I believe that you must first feel what needs to be felt and integrate what your soul is asking you to heal. Not sure what I am working thru but I know that I can’t force feeling better, but I will not go into the rabbit hole. I know too well what depression is and the unbearable pain of wanting to check your daily boxes so that you could get the day over with.
Am aware, that this to shall pass I stay present. I don’t allow my head to go out of control. I take it hour by hour then day by day not giving myself any pressure. I just do what needs to be done at the moment and what feels right.
Maybe I need to realize that I am not alone and that maybe my heart is ready to welcome the connection that I am longing for. But I am afraid that it will not come because somehow I still believe I am damaged goods. That this is the moment to let go of that belief that is causing me pain and I MUST remember who I AM. Maybe I need to feel the pain so harshly to finally say FUCK THIS! I am DONE feeling like this! I am DONE, and I am READY. I surrender, and I Trust.
This growth period was intense and would like to say a particular external situation caused it, but it wasn't. It was about me allowing myself to be vulnerable. For me to admit that I don’t always have it all together, That I am not superwoman, That my “I don’t need anyone” attitude is bull shit. That it is ok to want to have someone, and most importantly that I deserve a partner to have the connection my soul craves. In the meantime, I am working on myself. My mind, body, and soul. This time around I know I need not do a thing I feel it in my bones it will be divinely orchestrated. I need to keep on being 100% me. In my wholeness and in my weakness the right person shall come.
The Mommy Goddess