What could I say? It is hard to put into words what one feels at times. All I know is the question that ruminates in my head and heart. When is the pain going to go away? I feel it in my being that I am close to having that moment where I can’t take it anymore and again propel me to my next level of healing. Part of why this pain keeps on coming back I feel has to do with me hanging on a belief of how I thought things were going to be and me not letting my heart completely take in the truth and let it break into pieces. I have been afraid to feel the COMPLETE devastation of the TRUTH. I have been telling myself a story that has protected me from completely letting myself SEE what is. I realize that it is time to embrace completely what is coming next.
I also see how amazingly wise our Soul is there is was no way I would be able to handle this last year. You might wonder “Cindy it has been 3 years, just let it go and move on” I have slowly. Little by little it been a process and until you live it, you could understand the enormous amount of pain and shock your body and your mind goes thru. I have never really elaborated in the amount if pain and struggle I have gone thru in the last 3 years as it was a day by day process. But today I feel I have to acknowledge and feel it so that I could keep on moving forward. It has been one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. My whole world was shaken and broken into pieces. What did I do wrong? Was I not a good wife? Do I not know how to love?. Questioning my level of loyalty and support I gave to my family, the amount of trust and independence I gave him, was I too confident in who I was ?, why did I have this idealistic view of our future, all the sacrifices I made lovely and willingly. All this for nothing? All this for me to be rebuilding my life from ground zero.
The truth is that not until this very moment I can see it ALL as a whole, Not until this moment I could sit here in my pain, cry and realize that my heart could not have taken this very moment a few months ago as I was not ready. I was in survival mode. I was just trying to get by my day working and trying to raise my boys. It is NOW where I realize that this is where the real work is going to begin. I have been thru the messy spider web of pain, healing and trying just to live. To now realizing it is time to do the layer work of rebuilding my SELF. All that was broken when my family fell apart. I thought I knew who I was and what I gave was seen and validated at some level. My heart could not process this as a whole just in small pieces. I couldn’t and didn’t want to acknowledge this truth because I wanted and kept on trying to give him the opportunity to be truthful and heal our wounds like evolve human beings. My wounds and my fears were so deep that he was not going to be the one to help me heal. The wounds and fears have made me into a person I don’t recognize. The feeling of inadequacy and worth could sometimes take me into a full on battle to not go in the hole again.
BUT the most painful part of ALL is that after a person could love you and spend 13 years of their lives growing up and building a family they have no compassion or understanding of the destruction that they help create. In their mind, it just didn’t work out, and they had to move on. They tell themselves the self-serving story that allows them to be ok with the decisions that they made so they could be happy. They don’t account for all the good, all the sacrifices, they don’t remember that therapy was not even considered until the damage was done, they don’t realize that they didn’t give it a fighting chance. It was easy to throw in the towel to 13 years, 3 children, and the countless of struggles we endured in our early years. ALL of this was forgotten to experience a new and exciting life. Maybe I was avoiding telling this truth because I didn’t want to see it this way because I want to believe that we all make choices based off fear. The truth has been me trying to understand the other side of why he made the decisions he made. Telling myself stories of compassion for him. "It was too much to handle, He didn’t experience his twenties, Maybe I was too much to handle and he needed a less BOLD woman." THIS is my TRUTH. I think the truth that many of my close friends and family saw as it happened and I fought not to see. Being able to sit here and tell the story of the beginning of the end feels good and bad at the same time. Maybe this is what I needed to acknowledge and see so that I could just let go and begin the process of FORGIVENESS.
One day I know this will all make sense to me. The why God decide this was my path. That all this pain and transformation was for my greater good. Thru this process and healing, I MUST learn to trust Gods plan blindly and that I might learn my part in this whole tragedy. The day will come where this story will make sense, and I will look back and thank God for putting me thru this path of rediscovering mySELF.